Pages

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Honey, we need to talk. Hey look, I'm naked!

It comes as no surprise to most of you that I find the inner workings of men just a bit confusing.  OK, a lot confusing.  They are like a mystery wrapped in a puzzle most of the time.  Over our 13+ years of marriage, Hubs and I have worked out a lot of the kinks (and worked a few IN ifyouknowwhatimean;). But there is still an infinite list of things that confound me.  #1 on that list, however, is communication.  How to have it? When to have it? What is the maximum number of words I can use before his eyes glaze over? Why does he keep looking at me like I'm speaking in tongues?  Those types of questions plague me.

Tonight, as I stood in the shower- sadly where I have most of my blog ideas and not a thing with which to write them down- it hit me! The answer to all marital communication issues.  I am going to not only amaze you with my highly developed writing skills tonight, but I am also going to save marriages around the world because I have discovered the solution to biggest challenge they face: how to effectively communicate.  Yes, I am that good.

Actually, this epiphany came to me as I was heading into the shower.  This is important to the discovery, I promise.  I feel the best way impart this wisdom is by using pictures.  Not those kind of pictures.  Geesh! My dad reads this blog for Pete's sake!


This is my bedroom... Well, some of it.  I couldn't quite get a good picture of the whole room.


Please note it is never this clean.  In fact, there is a gigantic pile of dirty clothes, laundry baskets filled with clean, unfolded clothes, kid toys, and too many un-mated socks lying just beyond the frame of this picture.  

This beautiful bed that is made everyday only made because I was going to take a picture and put it on the Internet, resides in the left hand side of the room.  On the right hand side of the room you will find this...



Originally, this chair was used for feeding the boys when they were babies and reading stories as our nighttime routine.  Over the years it has rocked stuffed animals and served as a place for time-outs.  Eventually my lap became too small for the boys to sit comfortably when reading bedtime stories and the chair became more of a launching pad for little boys who wanted to fly across the room, so it was time for it to be re-purposed.  It became... The Gaming Chair.  You see, 4 feet in front of this piece of family history resides this...





This always straightened, dust free and organized  only cleaned because it was going to be seen on the Internet and by my mother entertainment unit is just beyond your fingertips when you're sitting in The Gaming Chair.  Please note that just outside the frame of this photo is a pile of receipts, loose change, drying cleaning tags, and remotes tucked away on the bathroom counter. You will also notice the 32" television, Xbox, DVD player are all, of course, dust-free because I am that much of domestic goddess that doesn't doesn't even bother to land in my house.

On any given night from approximately 7:45 p.m. on, you can find me here...


sometimes reading high quality, rich literature. (That's smart talk for "cheesy fanfic", by the way.)

And Hubs here...


studiously killing terrorists in remote parts of the world that I can not name without having to kill you.  I read, he games.  It's what we do.

Most of you probably don't know this, but there are certain rules that go along with being a member of Game Club.  #1 rule of Game Club: Don't initiate conversation during Game Club.  I know this.  I'm not a new Game Club groupie.  And while I have read and understood Rule #1 of Game Club, there are times when it is necessary to speak.  I know, I know.  Is there really anything that is necessary enough to warrant interrupting Game Club? Yes, there is.  Luckily I am married to a good man who loves me very much- some people might say he loves me more than Game Club.  I feel pretty strongly he's one of those people who would say that, by the way.  So if he's in the middle of a particularly dramatic moment where the safety of the free world as we know it hangs on his ability to get the kill shot,  and I initiate conversation, he politely holds up a finger.  No, not that one.  The other one, next to it- his pointer finger.  In our home this translates to, "Just a minute, babe.  I'm saving the world. Please hold." And because I don't want to be responsible for world domination by evil terrorists,  I wait.

When the mission is completed and my man returns from the dusty terrain of parts unknown, I know I have his attention.  Mostly.  Typically he begins another round or a new game (not sure what it's called- I'm not that good of a Game Club groupie it seems) but he lets me know he's ready to converse because he kindly takes one headphone of one ear and tilts his head slightly in my direction.  These two actions translate to, "I'm listening now, honey.  Please tell me the important thing you had to say.  And thanks for waiting for me to save that village of innocent people before you proceeded to share whatever fascinating piece of information you have for me." See? We totally have this communication thing down already, right?

At this point, whatever little tid-bit I wanted to share usually is left unsaid.  Not because he's not listening (I have the one-ear-head-tilt to prove it remember) but because either the moment has passed or I realized it was a pretty pointless piece of information and we move on.  But there are times when I decide I would like to speak, and permission has been granted (again, one-ear-head-tilt) but I'm kind of in a difficult spot.  One-ear-head-tilt does not always come with eye contact.  Although listening, he's still watching the T.V. screen.  Hubs is a smart man so I know he can multi-task almost as good as, well, me; but the eye contact vs. no eye contact ratio in our house is about 1:9.  Just so we're all on the same page, he looks at me 1 out of every 9 times I am speaking to him during Game Club.  Not the other way around.  I find this a bit disconcerting for a few reasons.  But the main reason is this...

If I am getting into the shower, there is never an eye contact problem.  Well, let me clarify that.  It might not be exactly eye-to-eye contact, but it's definitely eye-to-something contact.  There is absolutely no question about whether or not I have his full attention.  In fact, there ain't a terrorist clan in the world that can divert his attention in those moments.  Of course I'm glad my man finds me nice to look at.  I count my blessings for that fact on a daily basis.  Knowing that he feels I'm something worth looking at even after knowing me for 16 years makes him a keeper for sure.  And true, The Gaming Chair is approximately 2 feet from the shower door while the bed is roughly 8 feet from The Gaming Chair so it is a bit easier to make eye-to-something-contact when I'm getting into the shower than eye-to-eye-contact when I'm reading on the bed.  But really? Every time? It's Pavlovian, I swear! The shower water turns on and the head not only tilts, but it turns as well! The shower door clicks open and suddenly there's instant eye-contact.

So, ladies and gentlemen, this highly scientific observation has lead to one of the most profound discoveries in the history of marriage research and it has yielded a fool-proof method for solving all communication problems that exist within the confines of marriage. Ready for it? Here you go...

Have every important conversation naked.

You'll have your spouse's undivided attention, complete eye contact, and let's not forget the head tilt and turn. And that's the cheapest marital advice you'll ever get from a "professional."

Experienced wives know how to talk to their men... naked.
That's just my normal.

25 comments:

Jennifer said...

Love it! So that's what I've been doing wrong all this time, trying to talk to him with my clothes on! LOL! ;)

Kristy said...

Nudity has been one of my secrets for a happy marriage too. I'm glad you shared this tid-bit of truth. I have also found that if I can't be naked or I have to chat with hubby on the phone I can randomly throw in the word "sex" into the conversation and his ears perk up every time. That's MY normal! ;-) It sounds like you and I both have great hubbys that love us! We are lucky girls!

Crissy LiveLoveDew said...

That is too funny, loved this post! But you are so right, some times I say I feel like a piece of meat, but it is nice that he still likes to look and touch after 12 years of marriage! And either be naked or right before you get down to business is when I find the best conversations, they are all ears right before it's time for "that", lol.

Carrie's Just Mildly Medicated said...

I am cracking up! This is a great post! Maybe we can begin the conversation by saying "I will be getting naked" that way if attention isn't given I don't have to go through the process. :)
Carrie

Jester Queen said...

AHahah. I knew where you were going and I still laughed.

Joe said...

Brilliant in its simplicity. I have to go work out for the first time in years, now.

Penny Roach said...

Holy smokes Vicky, how did I NOT think of this myself? I met my husband when he was (wait for it) 13 years old!! He is almost 44. Like you, we have our "spots". He has his chair with one eye kinda sorta on the TV and the other checking scores or some such thing on his laptop. I am reading (ok, surfing) on the couch. Since this is happening in the livingroom, perhaps moving our evening arrangement to the, ahem, bedroom might be smarter for those nights when we have to, uh, talk. Otherwise, MY 13 year old might walk out and then he'll have to choose between college and therapy. Your posts always deliver!! Love 'em.

Sean said...

As a husband I approve of this advice and I will pass it along to my wife.

in pursuit said...

Jennifer- You silly girl. Conversations with your clothes on? Come on now;) Just think of all the wonderful bonding time you're going to have staring at, I mean talking to one another;)
Vicky

in pursuit said...

Kristy- Throwing "sex" in phone conversations!? Brilliant! I have learned that random sexting throughout the day is helpful. He knows there's a 50/50 chance when his phone rings with a new text it could be something saucy! I has to check the phone, right? Can't reseist the potential for nooner sexting. (Is that like a lunar landing?) This means when I text things like "please grab milk on your way home" he's destined to receive it because he couldn't resist the call of the text!
We are so sneaky;)
And yes, we are SO very lucky!
Vicky
Thanks for stopping by and commenting too!

in pursuit said...

Crissy, you ar a wise wise woman. I have found that after "that" he is very receptive to conversation. And pretty much anything I suggest- like painting the house or maybe getting a new couch;) We women have our wiley ways. Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting!
V

in pursuit said...

Oh Carrie! Love that idea! Sure would save the trouble of getting all cold sitting there naked, right? Brilliant!
V

in pursuit said...

Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Oh, and thanks for laughing. There's always the fear no one gets what I'm talking about;)
Vicky

in pursuit said...

The simplest answers are typically the best, right? And you don't have to work out. I just keep the lights low. It's all about lighting;) Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
V

in pursuit said...

I'm cracking up because we recently had the "what ever happened to fun times on the couch" conversation. I told Hubs the kids see enough of my lady bits when they barge in our room while I'm in the shower, getting dressed or peeing they don't need to see it in any other compromising positions. I don't think we could save enough in their 529s to cover the amount of therapy THAT would need.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
V

in pursuit said...

Don't tell her it came from me! I dont' want an angry phone call in the morning!! Just kidding.
Thanks for stopping by to read and comment, Sean!
V

Anonymous said...

I like that approach....because if it's not worth my while, WHY would I be getting naked??:OP

Dysfunction Junction said...

By George you have done it! Marriages shall be saved everywhere! I don't know why we hadn't thought of this earlier!
Katie~

in pursuit said...

Thanks Katie! I'd like to credit my overly priced Master's degree for this highly educational research and observation, but I think my explanation of the Bell Curve in my previous post proves that I have not one scientific bone in my body;) This was just natural genius I guess! HaHa!
Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
I appreciate it very much!
Vicky

in pursuit said...

See Carrie? I told you you were brilliant!
V

Kate Grey said...

Ha! I wonder sometimes though.. I know they are listening but are they actually hearing what we say?? =D

Love it!

And, I love the new design! Are you starting to turn into me?? ;-)

Kate

in pursuit said...

I guess I've set my standards low- I'm willing to settle for listening;) And of course your ever-changing, always adorable blog designs totally I spired me! I have to keep up with you young people;)
V

Safiyyah Abdurrahman said...

Lol this is funny!Great way to get his attention. lol

in pursuit said...

Get his attention and KEEP his attention :)
Thanks for dropping by and commenting!
Vicky

sadderbutwiser said...

AHA! Thanks for the tip! ;-)

Post a Comment